Negativity is an archaic way to connect.
We spend a lot of time thinking about the behavior of other people. I mean a lot of time. This habit is so natural to us it’s like breathing.
If conversations sometimes include talking negatively about what others are doing and how and why they’re doing it, welcome to the club.
Here’s an example. I loved my job as a graphic designer and I worked with people that I really liked. But I often found myself thinking about their shortcomings and how they affected my ability to do my best work or enjoy myself at work. One of my co-workers always did the bare minimum and blamed others when they made mistakes. Another criticized my work as amateurish any chance he got. Others spent more time whining than working. And a few of my coworkers would take clients to strip clubs as a means of relationship building to earn their business (ewwww). My judgment of these behaviors often occupied my thoughts and were frequently topics of conversation with my closest friends and co-workers. As I reflect, I had this same experience at almost every job I had. There was always someone or something that prevented me from being happy, someone getting it wrong somehow, sometimes it was even the owner of the company. Don’t get me wrong, I have lifelong friends I’ve made from work. And those are the friends I used to talk about everyone with, we were bonded by our rightness and through a situation of mutual dissatisfaction.
The point I want to make here is not that there was something wrong with everyone else, God knows everyone else probably had similar thoughts about me. The point is that where our attention goes, grows. When we spend time and energy thinking about what everyone else is getting wrong, we’re going to keep noticing what everyone else is getting wrong. And when we engage in conversation about these things, AKA gossip, our focus on their shortcomings not only continues, but is reinforced by our physiological need to be in agreement. Our brains really enjoy being right. And if someone in our life affirms that rightness, woohoo, our brains are very happy! In fact agreement gives us a hit of dopamine. Taken a step further, when we simply observe someone doing the thing we’ve chatted about over lunch with our work bestie, we get the same hit of dopamine because we can’t wait to tell them what happened.
Have you ever had that feeling, you’ve got something so juicy that you just can’t wait to tell someone. Can you feel that energy in your body? I can, it's exhilarating. It makes us feel alive and valuable. You’ve got something to share that you know someone else will appreciate and that feeling can stick around in your body until you actually share your juicy intel.
Think about your typical day and how you spend your energy and your thought currency (where your thoughts are allocated). Do you think about how the people around you are performing? Do you do a drill down over a drink with a confidante who understands the players in your job, in your family, or your circle of friends? Do you find it helpful to analyze and understand people? I always have. I’ve loved recognizing what makes people tick since I was very little, it helped me feel prepared for when they pull some bullshit move. I used to think that if I saw it coming ahead of time I could navigate it better. It was helpful for me to put everyone in boxes, my brain loves that so much, yours does too, it’s how we’re wired.
Here's what happens when we put people in boxes and judge their behavior.
We think our way is right, we think our analysis of others is right, we believe we are right, and we attach to our rightness.
We create identity around the idea that we aren’t as bad as other people. And if they would just be different everything would be better. We hold in our heart the need for others to change for us to happy.
Our brain LOVES understanding things and believes it’s keeping us safe.
We are wired to believe that spotting danger keeps us safe. In modern society the dangers lurking are vastly different from what our prehistoric ancestors dealt with. The danger we look for now, is often danger to our ego. We are sensitive to anything that challenges our belonging, our position, and our sense of worth to self and tribe. Understanding how others may threaten these helps us stay one step ahead and protect ourselves from being excluded, overlooked, or diminished.
Our hearts are no longer open to have compassion for the person we are judging, and we disconnect from love.
When we label someone, we dehumanize them, reducing them to a set of characteristics that we can easily dismiss. She’s bitchy, he’s a cheater, they think they’re better than everyone, they just use their money to buy happiness. And while these statements may or may not be true, there’s a real person, with real feelings and quite often real hurt behind their behaviors.
We create a reality.
The point isn’t to never judge others, although it’s a lofty ideal worth pursuing. The point is to recognize when you do and uncover what function it’s serving, for you.
When I was judging my coworkers, it was because I felt like I was not being recognized for the hard work I was doing. And if I could point out the ways I was doing better than others it made me feel valuable and important. At the end of the day the culture of the company was not for me and I left. But now, instead of seeing their shortcomings, I see how they were amazing people doing their best to do good work and get along with a group of people they didn’t choose for themselves. The person doing the bare minimum, she may have been overworked at her previous job and is setting a boundary. She may be shy and afraid to offer up more, afraid her ideas will be rejected. She may have been told by her parents to be seen and not heard. Just because I have the confidence to offer up new ideas does not mean she has to. Just because it’s right for me does not mean it’s right for her. If everyone only offered up ideas who would execute them? Someone has to put their head down and do the work. Just because I would never take a client to a strip club doesn’t mean they shouldn’t. I don’t think it’s ethical, but what the hell business is it of mine? It’s really not, other than it’s information. Remember our feelings are information. If I feel like that is wrong, it tells me something about me. It tells me I would not use that tactic to get business. It also tells me that a company that encourages that is not really in alignment with my values.
It doesn’t make them bad or wrong; it just makes them incongruent. Thank you, next.
I’m not saying that we should accept everything exactly as it is or not fight for what feels right to us. Accepting others is not about excusing or ignoring behaviors that we don’t like. And it’s not about just being happy with everything and everyone no matter what. You have an Internal Guidance System (IGS) that tells you whether things are in alignment with you. You have information coming into that system constantly. What we can learn to do is to consciously process the information coming in and assess how it relates to us.
Some of the information that comes into our IGS comes via our feelings. If you felt jealous that someone else got a promotion you wanted, that’s information. Your jealousy doesn’t mean they choose the wrong person for the promotion. It doesn’t mean they don’t value you and you should quit. It could mean you really liked the idea of the promotion. Maybe it was the pay or the title or the new responsibilities that were exciting. Your jealousy is pointing you to dig deeper into yourself. Why do you feel jealous? Why do you feel sad? Did you work your ass off? Were you promised the promotion as motivation for some extra hard work? If in this example you simply blamed the boss for not choosing you or blamed the person who got the job for brown nosing, you would be missing the powerful information your body is telling you. Your body is a genius communicator, and our feelings tell us to dig deeper. Once you do that you may realize you don’t like your current position and you were hoping for a new adventure. If you could get to the root of the cause of your jealousy, then you can connect to your desires. What do you really want. If it’s more money, go look for a job paying more. If it’s recognition, have a conversation with your boss about how important that is to your level of satisfaction at work. Blaming others will not help you get where you want to go.
Relying on the dopamine hit you get from recognizing what others are doing wrong (or actually what you believe you are doing right that they are no) is like flipping the switch to turn on a lamp. You will always rely on being plugged into the wall, and when you need a jolt of energy or good feelings you flip the switch. But that power isn’t coming from within you. That power is reliant on someone screwing up and you recognizing it. And if the room is dark, or your soul feels a little disconnected, you flip the switch and ahhhhh, relief.
There are many ways to rationalize this behavior. But at the end of the day, if you spend time gossiping about others, you are diminishing your own power.
I’m not suggesting you never speak to anyone about anyone else. Processing our thoughts and feelings with others is how we learn about ourselves and gain new perspectives. And in any situation where you feel like someone is doing something you don’t care for, there’s something inside of you calling for your attention.
I am suggesting you notice the behavior, and dig a little to discover what’s behind it. And maybe consider connecting in a different way. One that is more empowering…for everyone!