Do it because YOU WANT to
Do it because you want to, not because you think you should or you have to.
From the moment we enter the world, we’re taught to look outside ourselves for validation. Our caretakers get right to work guiding and shaping our behavior. They soothe and shush us when we cry (we learn our feelings are too big), they cheer when we learn new things (we learn how to gain their approval with our actions), they punish us when we’re naughty (we learn we’re not good enough as we are). All this feedback comes from outside of us. If our own ideas and actions don’t align with those in charge, we are redirected. This continues as we start school, get jobs, and have deep personal relationships. Everyone has an idea about who we “should” be, what we “should” do and how we “should” behave. And eventually some of those ideas become our own…in theory.
What they actually become are the beliefs that make us second guess our own internal compass, and the foundation of why we crave external validation and become disconnected from our own truths.
Do you ever catch yourself saying things like, “I should eat healthier”, or “I need to work out more”? How often, when you say you “should” do something, do you actually do it? For me it’s not very often. Just because I think I should work out doesn’t mean I actually WANT to. I want the outcomes of it, like losing weight, fitting into my clothes better, having more energy. But thinking I should do something is rarely enough to motivate me to do it.
What do I do instead? I work, I write, I eat yummy food, I talk to my friends, if I’m desperate I clean, but I do not work out, unless I want to. I do not take the time to prepare healthy food unless I want to. I often don’t clean unless someone is coming over, gross I know! But I want my home to look nice, I want others to feel comfortable and to compliment me. I know I should clean more, but sometimes I just don’t wanna (she said in a whiney voice)…until I do. And that’s when I do it.
When it’s painful enough or exciting enough, when it’s just gone too long. At some point even if it’s begrudgingly, something makes me WANT to take action. And it used to be that something was pain. The house is so dirty it drives me crazy (pain). Or someone is coming over and I want to avoid being embarrassed (pain). I can’t button my pants (pain). I have a terrible headache from the food I’ve eaten or drinking too much (pain). But in my personal evolution, my drive to take action is gradually shifting from pain to purpose. From a need to please others to a need to delight myself. From obligation to FREEDOM.
The title of this post came from the floor of a public restroom.
One winter afternoon while at the ice skating rink with my daughter and niece I excused myself to the restroom. I walked in and noticed a paper towel on the ground in front of the trash can. As I passed by, I picked up the towel and dropped it in the trash, and afterwards I thought to myself, “why do you always do that?”. I quickly answered myself with, “because I want to”.
I don’t do it to get a gold star, I don’t do it to feel better than the person who left it literally right in front of the trash can, I do it because it’s nice. I do it because it matters to me. I do it so the next person doesn’t have to. I also put away my shopping cart at the grocery store because I want to, because I think it’s the right thing to do in my heart, because when I leave it somewhere besides the cart return, I get a twinge of guilt in my tummy that says it will be in someone’s way, it will make more work for the clerk, or that I’m being lazy and inconsiderate.
And while I often take into consideration how my action will affect others, I don’t do it because of them, I do it because it feels right to me. My body tells me when I’m doing what’s right for me. My heart and my mind let me know too. This is something I’m learning to listen to and it feels so damn good!
Where in your life are you “shoulding” on yourself?
What actions do you take that give you a little twinge? The twinge means something. It’s pointing you in a better direction. And even if that direction might disappoint someone in your life, it’s telling you that the choice you’re about to make will actually disappoint you and be out of alignment with YOU. And the twinge doesn’t mean what you’re doing is right or wrong, the twinge means something is not fully in alignment for you. It means YOU want something different. And while according to the Rolling Stones, “you can’t always get what you want”, if you begin to listen to the whispers of your soul, it will continue point you in the direction of your truth, always. And the more you learn to listen and respond in a way that supports you, the less you let others control your behavior. In fact, it’s often a relief for others when you speak your actual truth because even though we think we’re hiding it, subconsciously others sense the incongruence too.
Begin to notice your twinges and get curious about what they’re saying to you. It can take some time to figure out, twinges are like onions, they’ve got layers.
But awareness followed by curiosity followed by new actions will lead you to a better understanding of what your soul desires. Be bold, you can do it, and you can do it because YOU WANT to!